Don't be afraid of it!

It was in the middle of the day and the second vision I've ever had. I was at the top of this hill where I am from and I can see the trees all around me. A huge bubble appears and I see the colors mixing and rotating around its outer fragile shell. Just like the bubbles we used to blow when we were kids. All of a sudden I am drawn up into it, feet first until I am fully encapsulated. I see nothing except what I would describe light to be, and I feel something like I've never felt before, penetrating my whole being. Words cannot describe that wonderful feeling, nor have I ever felt like that again. I can only imagine the source to be Godly and I am not afraid.

In experiencing that you would think that when the day finally arrives I shall be ready?
Well, not exactly. I've become extremely wishy washy in my thinking nowadays, but the truth be told, it's a pretty scary thought. Death. What REALLY is going to happen?

The fact of the matter is, we were born to die. It's inevitable for us all. Our bodies are ever decaying even after death. From the beginning of time from the first man unto the last, this will always happen. Yet it seems we have never quite learned how to deal with death. Is it because of our own selfish reasons? Our self-attachment to the person who has died? Our faithlessness? I've tried to read up on it a bit and still come to the same conclusion as, I'm just not sure what's going to happen. The fact remains, do we really know? We all certainly will find out one day.

1. We're all going to die but I think it's the way I'm going to die bothers me. Of course we all want to go fast and in our sleep but it hardly happens that way. Why am I so afraid to die? Is it because I'm getting older and the end seems nearer? Is it because the last 4 people that died in my immediate family died a horrible death? I always wonder what the crossover is going to be like. Will we know? Will we feel any pain? Will we really see the light? Will we be bludgeoned to the bowels of hell? Will God meet us at the gate? Will we, will we, will we? There's only so many things that can happen, really.

2. One goes gloriously to heaven. Or horribly to hell. There is nothing after death or our spirits just float about. I think it would be torture to know when one is dead and still be able to see the living but not communicate. To see the livings pain and suffering or how well their getting on without us!

3. To top that all off, what if there really is reincarnation? Whoa! I think of my family that has gone before me, some quickly, some not so. But I know they got through it somehow. And I too at the end of my day will get through it, and I shall know just like the ones before me. So, in saying this, I shall hope that God meets me at the gate and I once again shall see my family and my friends. That's how I want it to end.

TO MY VALENTINE!

........i scaled the cliff in hopes of finding you

my imprints left behind for yet another's climb

........i easily imagined what would bestow me

when i reached my summit

........the beauty in widespread wonder

........unknowingly you led the way, and my heart

just followed the path

........i reached for that last hold and lifted myself 

and there you already were

........waiting at the edge and you took my bleeding hands

........and you kissed away the pain as we stepped off together

in loves mysterious refrain.

to cmk

love...ritatortilla

In dreams.

My dreams have always fascinated me. I wish I could paint them. I wish I could interpret them. Let me share a few of my really weird dreams.

• I started having this dream for about 5 months of my old dog Racer. I would suddenly realize I hadn't been in my home for months and that I left my dog in there without food & water. I would be afraid to go in and find him either dead or the whole place ransacked and smelly. Then, one night I dream I was in my hometown park, and Racer trots up to me. (I notice he's not malnourished but fat) and he says to me: 'you know, you really got to start feeding me' in this real deep husky voice. Now the fact he spoke to me didn't surprise me, it was the fact of how fat he was. The next dream my house catches on fire. Racer dies and I never dreamed of him again.
• I dream I'm near a creek, and I can see the water flowing. To the right is a large apartment building. Everything is in black and white. I'm standing, staring at the water and I'm very afraid. I know something is wrong, something is about to happen. Tho I don't see it in my dream I have a vision that a young, small long blond-haired girl is floating down the creek and she is dead.

I do notice my dreams sometimes are put together of events that happen throughout the day or something I've watched on t.v. The one I had the other night was super super scary yet it sounds funny now when I think about it.

• I have this dream I'm talking to Mike Rowe and I suddenly get this feeling something is amiss, that we're being infiltrated by something evil. I can't see them but in another dimension people are scattered about in hats and trench coats and I know they are bad and indestructible. Well, Mike gets blown out of my dream by one of these guys and I huddle in a corner of a building thinking this can't be happening. Paralyzed with fear, I see 'them' almost floating by and someone is saying 'mind the gap'. I know I'm in the safe place and I think I'm in it when one of these guys comes to me and says to stand in the doorway with my hands outstretched. I'm afraid and I listen to him thinking this is 'the gap'. When I'm there I cannot move, and one of these guys comes towards my face with a drill coming out of his arm and starts to drill into my forehead. I can hear it and feel it, all of the pain and I'm thinking how can this be happening? Then they put this drill in my mouth and it clamps my jaw open and I can feel them drilling inside of my mouth and the pain, and I awake.

A little piece of heaven.

South Padre in the summer can be quite hot. The island being only 23 miles long and 1/2 mile at it's widest, walking anywhere affords you the tranquil beauty of the sea or bay. A place where, when my feet hit the sand, the cares of the world seemed to just drift away. Away like the waves crashing against the shore, ever changing the sandy scenery. Yes it can be quite hot. But floating in the pool in the heat of the night, ears below the water is an odd echoey deafness. Staring up at the gazillions of stars twinkling in the sky. Ahhh I can just feel it now.
I used to sit on the beach during the winter, that was my summer. When hardly anybody was there except for the older winter Texans~and for once, I was the reining bathing beauty of the beach. I would stare at the oceans horizon for hours and still not quite catch the beauty of it. Hearing the seagulls in the distance, sound of the waves, toes dug deep into the sand, and feeling the salt air on my face. Ahhh I can just feel it now.
I really found that little piece of heaven. That was my sanctuary. The cares of the world wasn't allowed out there. I wouldn't let it. There's something about the way the sky, earth, and sea meet. The trinity. I always felt like I was drawn there unbeknownst to me.
But after all those years, all those days, hours, minutes sitting there. I can still close my eyes and my mind takes me there even tho I am here. And I can feel the sun on my skin as the gulf breeze lifts my hair. I hear the seagulls in the distance. Waves crashing against the shore. The smell of the salt air. Ahhh I can just feel it now.