MY AGONY

I've had my share of emotional tragedies. Although inevitable, and unavoidable, death will cast it's cloak upon us all. There was a time a few years ago that I just seemed overwhelmed by the deaths in my family due to their untimely circumstantial passing. One morning, my agony was released when I awoke and put pen to paper. The following is an unedited version of what came to me. Hopefully it will help someone in their own torment and grief.

My Brother lay in a pool of his own blood. Words cannot describe how I felt when I myself received that dreaded call early one morning. All I could do was scream. How could this happen? A brother, a son, a nephew, a cousin, a friend, loved by all? A person so full of talent and life. The poet, the dreamer, the "one" who got things done. It felt like my heart was being wretched out of my skin, and I would walk miles to lay a single beautiful perfect rose upon his grave. Sitting there crying, talking, rejoicing in the life of the day, sharing news, stories, new songs. How could one who brought so much joy to others, bring so much pain? I still do not know if it were you who took that gun, and put it to your chest my brother, I do not know the events of that day. But you will always be in my heart, and even to this day, I pray that you are in that place, that peaceful place, in the midst of God, finally understanding all, knowing all, and loving all.

My husband lay there screaming in agony. A skeleton of a man, why would a disease such as this take the life, this beautiful life out of such a wonderful man? A husband, a father, a brother, a son, a cousin, a nephew, a brother-in-law, a friend, loved by all? My heart was slain when I found you that day. You would not let me take you to get help. You would not let me sleep by your side, nor have your son in the house that night. Yes, "they" say you know, when it's your time, yet it was not our time. A man so full of love for his family, who gave every waking moment tho in constant pain, to share the joys of childhood with his young son. You continued your life the best you knew how. You gave more to me and Joe in your short life, than anybody I know. You will always be in my heart, and even to this day, I pray that you are in that place, that peaceful place, in the midst of God, finally understanding all, knowing all, and loving all.

My mother lay there lifeless. The morphine riding her veins so as not to feel the pain of this tumor growing so rapidly in her beautiful body. A woman who was absolutely loved by all. A mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a mother-in-law, a friend. There are no words to describe the look in your eyes, before you slipped off into unconsciousness. I wished I could take the pain from you, your fears. Yet, I rejoiced in hearing your last words..."HE IS HERE!" and tho it was hard to let you go, I finally had to take my grip from you, and let you slip away. I have you in my heart always, and will never forget the love that you had for me, and the sacrifices you gave for me. You brought such love and happiness to all those around you, and people were drawn to you like a magnet. I take your spirit with me everywhere I go, in this road that I travel now, and know that I will always have a piece of you in me, and in this I am content. You will always be in my heart, and even to this day, I pray that you are in that place, that peaceful place, in the midst of God, finally understanding all, knowing all, and loving all.

My sister, I was not with you the day your sweet young life was taken from you. My heart is still filled with such pain, such pain, that's so hard to bear. A sister, a daughter, a mother, a niece, a cousin, a friend. Where did you lose your way in life? If I could have seen, I would have kept you safe from harm. My baby sister, I'll always remember the good times, and keep your memory close at heart. You were loved by many, in your wake, this I seen. You touched many lives in your very own way, and you will not be forgotten. Your tragic ending bothers me to this day, the twisted metal of your coffin cannot be erased from my mind, yet, you will always be in my heart, and even to this day, I pray that you are in that place, that peaceful place, in the midst of God, finally understanding all, knowing all, and loving all.

PENNY CANDY

I grew up in a small town atop a hill surrounded by woods. We had so much fun as kids. Stayed outside all day playing but had to be in before the street lights came on. High water low water, Annie Annie overhead, red-light green-light, hide n seek, the list goes on. Riding our bikes in the summer time. Skuffed knees and iodine soaked bandaids . Going to the playground and cooling off in the baby pool. Times were good. We used to play below the house in the woods near the trestle and play in the creek. (pronounced crick) The smell of sassafras, catching small crabs and laying in the wheat grass trying to figure out shapes in the clouds. But nothing beat going to the dime store at Ruth and Joe's and buying penny candy! What a treat for us kids. I remember a dime could fill up a small brown bag and we'd happily be on our way munching on our goodies.

Here are some of my favorites!

ARE YOU PREPARED?

Everyone is subject to some sort of disaster. The question is, are you prepared? Depending on where you live can narrow things down a bit. For instance, I'll most likely go through a major earthquake if I stay in California. So, just how prepared am I? The electric goes out. The gas gets turned off. There's no water. My building is stable enough to stay but we're warned not to go outside. What do I do? I'll go through my apartment now to see how well we'd survive.

....since it's dark, I stumbled my way into the bedroom and phew, there's the flashlight in my nightstand drawer and it works! I check in my battery drawer but there's only 1 for the flashlight and it needs two. (mental note buy spare batteries!) I then go to the kitchen drawer and get out the tea lights and find the lighter. I remember I threw a bunch of matches away. :(

I then light the candles that's always set out and find only 2 extras on my office shelf. I don't have any stored water and only one 16 oz bottle left which equates to one toilet flush. My grocery order was put off. One bottle of grape juice, 7 beers, half box of wine, 2 boxes of lemonade and a few bottles of coke. That's it. 

Since I cannot cook and I don't have a grill, knowing everything in the fridge will eventually spoil I look to my cupboards. This will we our staple to survive the next few days or even weeks. A few cans of green beans, corn, peas, tuna, tomato soup and a box of granola bars. One loaf of bread. Half jar of peanut butter and a few bags of cashews. If push came to shove we'd have to start working on stuff like croutons, spaghetti sauce, cake mix, but I would hope we'd get help fast from Red Cross or FEMA.

I don't have a battery operated radio so I don't know what the situation is in our area. I don't have a first aid kit in the event one of us had been injured during the quake, I just found some small bandages in the medicine cabinet. We do have a lot of blankets, and my important papers all in one container. 

I check my wallet and I only have $4.00 in cash. I'm not sure how long it's going to take the banks to open. We'd survive for about a week on what I currently have at home, but that's it.

We need to be more prepared, all of us. We can't rely on outside help, especially in the early stages. One of my friends who went through one of the hurricanes last year in south Texas said it took her 6 months to get any financial help from FEMA. When they did come, they brought them EXPIRED rations! Please don't rely on anyone but yourselves. Get prepared, be prepared.

K(ancer)

She would come into work with her infectious smile, bubbling with enthusiasm. Red flaming hair and freckled skin. She adored her young son and husband, and enjoyed being with us, her friends. We loved being around her. She had a way of brightening up one's day. I never, ever saw any negativity come from her, even when she, she.....

Felt a lump, and the doctor told her it was nothing. Said it was just probably a cyst and not to worry.
A few months later another doctor diagnosed her with breast cancer.

I cannot begin to tell you what this woman had gone through. The mastectomy didn't work. The cancer spread. Chemotherapy and radiation didn't work. The cancer spread to her lymph nodes. Things weren't looking so good. She'd come to work with that bad wig but she still had that infectious smile, I could tell the cancer was taking it's toll but she was determined to beat it and stay positive.

Doctors tried every treatment available and after the third round of chemo, the cancer spread through her bones. Her smile was weakening, defeat was starting to show. But she still trudged on the best she could. For her young family, her friends, me.
I remember telling them at work we should all shave our heads so Janine wouldn't feel so alone or isolated in her disease.

Then I felt the lump. Words cannot describe that feeling of impending doom. My first thoughts went to my own son who lost his father at age 8. What would become of him if I were gone too? Torturous, torturous moments in time. I didn't want him to go through that again. He didn't deserve this.

My doctor whisked me to biopsy immediately. I caught it early. Laying on a cold gurney in the hallway waiting for my surgery. Laughing at the power outage and blaming it on Friday 13th. They successfully removed the small lump and 13 lymph nodes. How ironic. I was so happy to be alive but it wasn't over yet. The doctor told me after one week of the chemo the hair would start to fall out and true to the day it did. A friend shaved my head because I didn't want to wake up one morning with long hair spattering the pillow. That would be hard to handle.

Being one of the lucky ones, I never got ill from the chemo unlike Janine who went through a terrible time of it. All of it. I tried to remain positive like her, tho oddly enough had a hard time talking to her about it. Maybe it was because mine didn't seem as bad as hers and that made me feel a little guilty.

When I went wig shopping I wanted to throw up. They were horrible and MADE you look sick. I vowed from that day on to wear my baldness in pride, with cute hats and bandanas. The radiation after the chemo left some burn scars but that's all that's visible. Battle wounds.

There are three things that got me through it.
My very supportive family, Janine and her positive attitude, and spelling cancer Kancer.
It's been 10 years, and I'm Kancer free.

Sweet, sweet Janine lost her life to it.

SO you wanna be on TOP?

There's hope for us all. When I first saw America's Next Top Model, I refused to watch it thinking 'Good-god, not another stupid reality show!' Well, now I love Sunday's all day run. I used to think all models were naturally beautiful even before makeup and airbrushing. Now I realize, these are just normal everyday gals. There's hope for us all. I've always wondered what I would look like all made up and prettified. Back in the day I went to Glamour Shots and came out looking worse than when I went in. Was I the victim of someone's bad day, or first day? Hopefully sooner rather than later before gravity takes it's final hold, I'll get that makeover I'm so curious about. :)